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20 Chelsea Handler Quotes


There’s no denying that Chelsea Handler is a funny woman. The comedian, TV host, author, actress, writer and producer can do it all! Her late-night talk show called “Chelsea Lately” on the E! Network was a huge success and had a big following and now that it’s over, fans can’t wait until her new show on Netflix comes out.

Before she made it big on her own, she was a member of the all-female cast of “Girls Behaving Badly” on Oxygen, which was the network’s hidden camera/practical joke reality TV show that aired form 2002-20015. Since then, she has appeared on other shoes like “The Bernie Mac Show,” “My Wife and Kids,” and “The Practice,” to name a few. She got her first show in 2006 with “The Chelsea Handler Show” but that only lasted two seasons. She has her own columns in Cosmopolitan and NOW, a UK celebrity magazine and is an advocate of Human the LGBT community.

And Chelsea is a beautiful comedian, having made Maxim Hot 100 list in 2009 and 2010. She’s so talented that she was ranked on the Forbes Celebrity 100 list at 98 in 2010 and Time placed her on their list of its 100 Most Influential People. She even appeared on covers of Playboy, but didn’t pose nude. Her humor is sarcastic yet funny, which is probably why so many enjoy her comedy.

If you’ve ever watched he standup or show, you would know how funny she is. Here are some of Chelsea Handler’s funniest quotes:

1. Porn

“The reason I watch porn is for their erotic locales, intricate story lines and cliffhangers.”

Chelsea Handler Porn Quote

“The reason I watch porn is for their erotic locales, intricate story lines and cliffhangers.”

 

2. A ridiculous person

“I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.”

A ridiculous person Quote

“I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.”

 

3. Make lemonade

“When life hands you lemons, make lemonade…with vodka.”

Chelsea Handler

“When life hands you lemons, make lemonade…with vodka.”

 

 

4. Hangovers

“I work better on a hangover actually.”

Chelsea Handler

“I work better on a hangover actually.”

 

5. Dislikes

“I dislike so many things…and people.”

Chelsea Handler

“I dislike so many things…and people.”

 

6. Honesty

“Just be honest with who you are and if you don’t and end with any friends, good for you.”

 

Just be honest with who you are and if you don't and end with any friends, good for you.

“Just be honest with who you are and if you don’t and end with any friends, good for you.”

 

7. Kids

“When I ever am around kids, it’s always a reminder not to have them.

Chelsea Handler Kids Quote

“When I ever am around kids, it’s always a reminder not to have them.

 

8. Speak your mind

“You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.”

Chelsea Handler Quotes

“You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.”

 

 

9. George W. Bush

“I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.”

Chelsea Handler Bush Quote

“I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.”

 

10. Men

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeding them again either.”

 

Chelsea Handler Quotes 5

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeding them again either.”

 

11. Alcoholic

“I don’t like the word ‘Alcoholic.’ I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”

Chelsea Handler Alcoholic Quotes

“I don’t like the word ‘Alcoholic.’ I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”

 

12. Drinking

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that your’e more fun to be around.”

Chelsea Handler Drinking Quote

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that your’e more fun to be around.”

 

13. Stories and lies

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

Chelsea Handler Quotes

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

 

14. Things to say

“I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.”

Chelsea Handler Quotes

“I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.”

 

15. Laugh

“Laugh loudly, laugh often and most important, laugh at yourself.”

Chelsea Handler Laugh Quote

“Laugh loudly, laugh often and most important, laugh at yourself.”

 

16. Stupid jokes

“I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t’ make any sense.”

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't' make any sense.

“I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t’ make any sense.”

 

17. Homosexuality

“The amount of time that people spend protesting homosexuality is directly proportional to the number of cocks they have in their mouths.”

Chelsea Handler Quote

“The amount of time that people spend protesting homosexuality is directly proportional to the number of cocks they have in their mouths.”

 

18. Bitch

“People are always like, ‘Oh she’s such a bitch.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.'”

Chelsea Handler Quotes

“People are always like, ‘Oh she’s such a bitch.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.'”

 

19. Not working out

“That’s not working out for you, girl.”

Chelsea Handler Quote

“That’s not working out for you, girl.”

 

 

20. Important thing is…

“The important thing is to be drunk.”

Chelsea Handler Quotes

“The important thing is to be drunk.”